© 2020 by Frederick Calmes

The priest was my first not Jesus part 5 (last part)




3 reasons



After the ceremony, my mother said ‘remember you are a son of God now’. At least she looked proud and that was the only thing I care for that night.








A few weeks later we ended up moving to a new house, so we had to go to a new church. Thanks to that I didn’t have to give then a reason why I wanted to leave the church of that priest. For me, it was not an option to tell my parents what happen to me. Why you may ask?


I didn't tell my mother because she and I were never close. Talking to her felt like talking to a wall. So whenever she shows a bit of affection, I do not waste it with my problems, I tried to enjoy it as much as possible.


I didn't tell my stepfather because when he divorced my mother, he took my brothers with him and I always resent him for it. So I didn’t trust him enough to tell him what happened to me in that church.


I didn't tell my brothers because when we play superheroes, I always strive to be the strongest. It was my job to be the stronger big brother. When I saw that boy Carlos hit the priest, I realize how weak I was. By telling them what happen to me I wouldn’t be strongest anymore but the one that needed to be rescued.



Itchy wounds


After 15 years, I decided to tell my mother what happen. She didn’t care for it. The only thing she asks me was why I didn’t tell my stepfather. I told her that I wasn’t ready back then. And then she said that it was good I didn’t tell him because he would have killed the priest. Then she advises me to pray to God. That’s my mom for you, a good old fashion church lady. What did hurt me is that she thinks that I liked it so much what the priest did to me and that's why I choose to be gay. It didn’t surprise me, after all in her eyes being gay will always make me a sinner.


I don’t resent my stepfather anymore, we talked about it. He agreed on the fact that he would have killed the priest. That meant a lot to me and in spite of our history, he was at that moment the parent I needed him to be.


The present


I recently told my brothers what had happened and they felt sorry for what had happened to me. It meant a lot to me but still, we have a long way to go. They also think that I'm a sinner because I'm gay.


And to everyone that felt insulted when I wrote about me having sex with Jesus.

How could I not? If every time when the priest was abusing me, there were statues of Jesus on the cross around us. looking in the sky portraying Luke 23:34 "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."

Well, guess what father(God), the priest knew damn well what he was doing. John 1:9 – If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

I wonder how many times did he confess to you?



This is the end of this story

but wait, this is the diary of a sinner so it is not completely over yet...











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