Updated: Feb 18, 2020
Disclaimer: Due to my last post, I have been getting a lot of messages from angry family members and people I just met. Let be clear, I do not feel bad or wrong because my story is my story. I decided to share it because to understand the body of work that I and the others are making, you need to know where we come from. Also, I’m doing it for other victims of pedophilia that happen in the church and their voices have been ignored by other believers.
My name is Frederick Piere Calmes and this is my diary.
I decided to make this diary for my brothers that I so much love in the hope that one day they will understand that sexuality is not a choice but a journey. For the other members of my family who some know so little about me. And last but not least, to everyone that is struggling with showing the truth because of fear.
“Of course it felt weird but I was 13 and my color was pure”
Before I knew what my color was,
I thought I was pure and therefore blessed. So I thought there’s one place where I belong and that was the church.
So I wanted to become a priest and ignore any connection I had with my ancestors(the old religion). So I asked around about what do I have to do to become a priest and
they told me I had to be more involved with the church. So I went to my stepfather and beg him to let me become an altar server.
With his blessing, I went to the priest of my church and ask him if I could become an altar server at his church and he said yes.
What's my color!?
So the next Saturday I went to his house that was located in the garden of the church. The priest gives me a tour and shows me where everything was. I was so excited. It was an honor for me to be in his house and to get lessons from him. One thing I notice and couldn’t ignore was how close he was. I could smell him and also feel his harry hands against my arm cause he kept pressing himself against me with each step I take. Of course, it felt weird but I was 13 and my color was pure. So I thought he was so kind and careful. I mean common his the priest, the man I want to be. He then asks me if I did sports and I said no, and asking why he’s asking me that. He responded ‘because you look very strong’. I felt flattered. Then he goes hugging me out of the blue. It was my first hug ever.
My parents were not that physical with me so I didn’t know how to react, so I didn’t hug him back. But he kept hugging me tighter and tighter. So tight that I could feel his low body against mine. Again that smell, that body hair against my skin. It felt weird and wrong at the same time. But the only thing I was thinking about was, I’m in the house of God. Whatever this is, it can’t be evil. It has to be kindness. To be continued...